| You Want Mail? |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|02:24 am] |
Hi everyone. I just changed my e-mail address, but then again, I didn't. Here's what I mean:
My e-mail address right now is chapinhighschool@gmail.com. A few months ago, Lindsay made me an account at Yahoo. I have my mail go from Gmail to Yahoo automatically so I can read it from school, since Gmail is blocked by school filters. All mail is still stored on Gmail's servers, though, so I can delete it from Yahoo and keep it on Gmail [kind of a backup type thing].
Well, now I found a way around all of that. I miss my old POP service. Now, I use a client called Gawab, which allows me to use POP mail AND check my e-mail from school.
What does that mean to you? Well, keep e-mailing me at chapinhighschool@gmail.com and it will be sent to my Gawab e-mail address. There it will remain for me to read at school until I can get home and download the messages onto Outlook Express.
Why should you care? Really you shouldn't. Just keep e-mailing me at the Gmail account and I'll get it. Don't worry about my Gawab e-mail address--it's irrelevant. But what is relevant is how I use my Address Book now. Since I'm not on Yahoo anymore, I need your addresses. If you want for me to send you e-mail, you need to send me your e-mail address to my Gmail.
E-mail your address to chapinhighschool@gmail.com if you want to stay in touch so I can add you to my addy book.
Cheers,
Matthew |
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| You Can't Love |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|04:07 pm] |
You can't love too much one part of it...
...I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me. |
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| Answer |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|12:43 am] |
You've been gone for so long that you know
Has been shuffled aside as you bank in the glow
Of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name
Do they fill up the emptiness?
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
'Cause you have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
But somehow below there's people who love you
And they're waiting for you to come home--please come home
You walk in a room and the world stops to stare
You mesmerize all who are caught in the glare
Of the spotlight that follows you wherever you go
Does it light up the emptiness?
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
'Cause you have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
But somehow below there's people who love you
And they're waiting for you to come home--please come home |
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| The End |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|11:24 pm] |
I have decided in my best interest to end it all Saturday evening. This gives me time to bid goodbye to my fellow LiveJournal friends and then make plans for a life without it.
I find that LiveJournal really has changed my life. I'm known now. Which is both cool and scary at the same time. I've found people who correct every little grammatical error [Emily] and those who love my Euro-carried spelling.
So I've gained friends and pissed people off. Was it worth it in the end? I'm not sure, but the end is near. No more revolutions. No more of those friend's-filling updates like those on Election night. No more moping around over a crush. No more daily insights into my life. No more world on fire.
Am I doing this for recognition? Nope. Am I doing this for attention? Nope. Am I doing this to make you realise what you're losing? Nope. It's been said that all good things come to an end. Journal after journal, I've closed out chapters of my life and re-opened new ones. But it's time to put the final touch on this crazy little book that started all the way back in April.
There are going to be some here who comment with an, "Oh, you'll be back." Like Michael Jordan retiring from basketball, it's hard to stay away for too long. But I think I've reached a point where it really does need to end. I've gotten myself way too deep into something I can't control anymore. Instead, it's controlling me.
I find myself addicted to the computer, to this little journal, and going crazy when updates aren't made or comments are overlooked. I go nuts knowing that Miranda and Shane haven't added me yet [though Shane actually has added my old journal]. I get depressed when I see Emily or Anastasia or Kara having a bad day. There's a sense of sadness when I read some of the posts that Sam or Don makes. There's jealousy when I hear of someone who has gone through hell and found happiness...I guess because I'm still in a personal hell myself.
My heart will always be tugged at with the memories of what used to be and what has been. The memories from when I started this little series of life back when we were working on "Addict". Seeing Michael leave. Then Don leaves. Then Miranda takes issue with me for some reason. Lemon upset with me because of something he thinks I said. Shane upset with me over a stupid blog entry. Lindsay disgruntled because I harp on the friends I want instead of the ones I "have". Yeah, they've got me alright, but I don't feel like I have them, and it's like this little journal says, there is such a thing as "mutual friends". It's a lie--they're more like "friends who have also added you back".
I can remember meeting Juan and posting his picture for the world to look at, showing the world how lucky I was to have someone like him. I honestly believe that Juan was my first boyfriend. Then there was Marco, who I met through this journal. It never would have been possible any other way. A sense of elation had returned with Marco since being broken up with Juan, but it was a crush that was shadowing feelings I still had for Juan. Then there was the abusive relationship I entered with Carlos. I wanted to be loved so much, I was willing to be treated like trash for it. Yeah, I subjected myself to harassment and mood swings...just to be loved. But I rose above Carlos. I ended it there and then. And now I have feelings toward someone, I'll admit, I don't even know. And they don't want to get to know me. I mean, let's face it, they don't know me, and they've probably heard horrid things about me, so why would they want to? And, actually, the feelings for this person started long before Juan and have re-surfaced since I broke up with Carlos and realised that nothing was ever going to happen between me and Juan.
The crush--I want to call it that and not an "obsession" or a "love interest", seeing as how I've done that before and gotten way too deep, way over my head--will never be named here. Jewel knows who he is. I trust her with my life. Jewel is the most awesome companion that I could ever ask for. And it's funny, because we hardly ever talk anymore. In person, it's no more than a wave of the hand in the halls or a smile as we pass each other. Online, it seems to be a lot more than that. We actually have conversations. So, I think Jewel is the only one I trust that's close to me when it comes to that.
I've told Juan who it is I crush for also. Juan is one of those ex's you have where you still talk with them long after you break up. It's like when two people get divorced, but they remain friends and they still talk to each other...sometimes, they even share a Christmas party together. That's kinda like me and Juan. I feel bad, though, because it seems like I only talk with him when I'm depressed or need to feel loved. Everyone needs to feel loved.
Nonetheless, I don't think it'll ever venture beyond Jewel and Juan. Not Lindsay. Not Jackie. Not Emily or Anastasia or Kara. Not Michael [I call him "Mikey" on Yahoo because I know too many Michaels--there's Drama Michael, Don's Michael, Lemon Michael and Lemon's boyfriend Michael, or "Mikey"]. Not Don, or Shane, or Miranda.
It's an issue I have to face. I'm scared that anything between me and my crush will end in rejection on my part, and I know the chance of that occuring is great. I also know that if something did in fact happen, there would probably be rejection of us both from so many people we love. The problem is, I don't know him. He doesn't know me. I've seen his face. I've heard his voice. But I don't know him. And, to be honest, I'm so afraid of screwing it up that I'm not sure how to approach any possible friendship or relationship with this person.
That's what Miranda accuses me of. Trying to hard to be someone that people want me to be, instead of being myself. I've let others define me for way too long, and to be honest I was happier then. LiveJournal comes along, and I start defining myself, and I find misery.
So, Miranda, you're right. I do. But you accuse me of it, rather than tell me it's okay to be me. You reject me because of it. But you're not alone. There are lots of people who have rejected me because of it. You define me and suddenly I'm not someone you like. I define myself and it gets worse. It's a no-win situation for me.
My life is flourished with constant ridicule and rejection. I know it's because of me. The me I can't control. Yeah, I'm heavy. Yeah, I'm ugly. Big deal. There are times when I tell myself that it's no big deal, that I look fine. There are other times when I listen to the harsh words of others and starve myself for change. Yeah, it happens more often than you think--sometimes, lunch is my only meal. If anyone has seen me eat breakfast at Chapin, you know I have the juice and not much of anything else. Sometimes, I have a soda. Lunch is small for me, but sometimes, there is no dinner. It's not that it's not offered, it's just that I can't eat it. It's a starvation for change.
It a help that can only be satiated with friends. And it's a help that can only be satiated with the friends I'm trying to reach out to, not the ones I have--Miranda, Don, Shane, Michael, and others. Lindsay is fuming by this point. She's constantly telling me that I need to stop being so selfish and look at what I have, not what I want. My famous saying is "You just don't get it" and I honestly don't believe she gets it. It's not attention deprived at all, it's selective attention, and here's why.
I know I was happier when I was doing Addict. I can remember my first night there. I went into the backstage area where there were some wooden crate-like things and I talked with Miranda and Michael, as well as another girl who slips my mind at the moment. I can remember a sense of elation, like this is where I wanted to belong. I remember telling myself, "This is what I want" and I was damn-near willing to do anything to keep it.
But I lost it. I did something to fuck everything up, and I lost it.
I can remember one time asking Amanda if she liked me. Not in a relationship way, but in a friend way. She never answered, but I told her that I knew she didn't. She told me that people who say they aren't liked by a person are just striving for attention. I can remember the final night of Addict we were all on stage getting our picture taken by someone and she put her arm around me, which gave me such confusing feelings. I was bent on knowing she found me annoying, and yet here is someone that is holding me in a friendly way. Part of me felt that the friendship was genuine, and part of me felt that it was a role played by a gifted and talented actor. I think I deserved the right to feel that way.
I can remember when Don and Michael were having troubles. I hated Michael for the way he treated Don. I can remember one time crying because of how Don was getting treated. Soon after Don found resolve from Michael, he found resolve from me. I don't get much of a conversation out of him--not a phone call or text either. Michael and I still talk, but it's also a very limited conversation...only a little more than the one I had with Don.
Don's Anthony came from LiveJournal also. I can remember one time Don and Anthony were play fighting and I tried to resolve the issue as if it was a real one. Stupid me. I pissed Don off, but Anthony and I started talking. Now, he's off to some military thing and I haven't heard from him. Dale has. Don has. Not me. And I used to talk to him all the time online when he was here.
Miranda and Drama Michael joined LiveJournal soon after. I honestly believe all of this stemmed from the one I started--Michael and Miranda starting one because of Don, and Don has told me he started one because of me. I can remember initially I was able to keep in touch with Miranda and Michael through it, but I did something that I don't even seem to know about that pissed Miranda off. Michael and Miranda are a package deal, I believe, so if one turns on you, they both do. Michael has waved to me once this year in the halls--just once. Michael was also the first crush I had in my post-coming out world, but it's like I told Jewel, I never expected things to go far, and they didn't. They dissolved fast. I can remember Michael wrote in my yearbook that he hoped to become better friends with me this year, but neither of us have taken that initiative to make it happen. Miranda wrote, "This year's been so much fun. I'm so glad you got involved in drama and it was great you were in Addict too!" I believed it then, but was it true? Was it simply written at a loss of other words, or the time where you had to put pen to paper and write something? I honestly believe they were genuine feelings that Miranda expressed, and I'm saddened that I did something to make everything all wrong. Time can be turned back--it's just that nobody's figured out how to do it yet, but I will be the first to pay any amount of money to turn back the clock when it becomes available.
And who can forget about the community? It's how I became known and how I met people like Kara, Anastasia, Austin, Branden, Kindra, Jane Dough, Alie, Emily and others. But two people will always stick out in my mind...and as much as one of them hates it, they are a package deal in my eyes. Jackie and Lindsay. I feel blessed to know them, but saddened that it hasn't ever really evolved outside of the LiveJournal. There have been attempts--"A Cinderella Story" and "Characters", but other than that, it never really progressed. It's not the fault of anyone really, it's just how things are meant to be.
LiveJournal is where I tried to find happiness, but I think I've ended up living a much realer life than I could have ever imagined. It's scarey. I've become known, something I've always wanted but no longer wish for. Famous people say it all the time--they wanted to be known and now they'd give anything for their lives back. It's kind of like that for me, sans the fame. I just want my life back, as miserable as it was, because the pain was constant, it never spiked or dipped or was replaced with false happiness. It was just there, but it's much more liveable than this.
Someday I'll find happiness, I'm sure of it. There are too many depressed people who say that they'll never have it, but I just don't believe that's true. It may not be in life that you find happiness, but it's definitely somewhere. It may not be with the friends you want--Miranda, Michael, Don--but it might be with those you least expect. And it may never come in the 100 years you're on Earth.
People constantly ask me why I post a picture of the horizon as my LiveJournal icon on "FallenSkylark", and there's actually a reason for it. When I was little, I was taught that when you perish from the earth, your soul is taken to the clouds where it sits with the Father, the Lord Almighty. Yeah, I'm gay, but I still believe in some form of a God. Maybe I've denounced the Christian faith, or maybe I just haven't found my God yet. Sometimes I feel so certain, but at others I feel the one I look towards has forsaken me.
Regardless of how I feel, I truly believe I will achieve immortal bliss when I am immersed in the clouds. It's for that reason I often wonder what takes death so long to come to me. I'd never inflict it on myself and I'd never want anyone else to inflict it on me--I want God to do it. I want God to be ready for me, for Him to think I'm worthy of happiness finally. So I wonder when that happiness will come.
Sweet things are never made to last. This has been bittersweet, and the journal will end Saturday.
--Matthew
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) madrigalskylark |
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| BREAKING NEWS |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|08:08 pm] |
CNN is reporting that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat is dead. |
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| CLOSED |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|04:32 am] |
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As of 3:31AM Mountain Standard Time, this journal has CLOSED. |
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| A Timid Insight |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|02:41 am] |
If you're a frequent reader to this journal [Jacob...], you know I don't usually do quizzes here. This one is a bit insightful, though, and warrants posting.
( One Of A Few )
Thought it seemed interesting. New change for a new layout.
And The Revolution Goes On |
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| Five Hour Phone Conversation |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|01:47 am] |
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's room to change
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June
Tell me did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were
Looking at yourself for there?
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who is too afraid to fly, so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance
Along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me while you were
Looking for yourself out there?
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken?
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance?
five-hour phone conversation?
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me?
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance
Along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
Tell me did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that Heaven is overrated?
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star,
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were
Looking for yourself...? |
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| NOTICE: DST Ends |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|12:06 am] |
GreyFadedRain Special Notice
EL PASO--Remember to turn your clocks back ONE HOUR before going to sleep. Daylight Savings Time officially ends in all time zones in the United States at 2AM in each respected time zone on October 31st, 2004. |
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| FLASH: No Plans To Raise Terror Alert |
[Oct. 30th, 2004|02:36 pm] |
GreyFadedRain News Alert
WASHINGTON--United States government officials are currently reviewing a new tape that surfaced on the Arabic language news television channel Al-Jazeera in which Osama bin Laden reportedly sent a message "to the Americans". The tape was the first time that bin Laden has appeared on video since December of 2001.
The tape aired on Al-Jazeera yesterday and featured an 18-minute message to the Americans from Osama bin Laden. Among the statements bin Laden made were, "The security of America is in the hands of the American people" as well as comments about the country of Sweden. It is believed to have been made fairly recently since bin Laden also directly names George Bush and John Kerry.
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan says there are no current plans to raise the national terror threat level, but that is something that is always under review.
The release of the bin Laden tape just days before the U.S. presidential election has both candidates talking tough about fighting terrorism. Bush campaign Communications Director Dan Bartlett says Senator Kerry is trying to score some political advantage from the tape by continuing a line of attack that Mr. Bartlett says is just plain wrong. Senator Kerry regularly criticizes the president's handling of the hunt for the terrorist leader following the fall of the Taleban in Afghanistan, saying U.S. troops allowed Afghan militiamen to search for bin Laden in the mountains of Tora Bora, instead of going after him themselves.
Earlier this week, the American television network ABC News received a tape from a reported American al-Qaeda member, stating that there would be similar September 11th-like attacks soon. Both ABC News and the United States government could not verify the authenticity of the tape. KTLA news reported that the tape could have been created in the Southern California area.
[updated October 30, 2004] |
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| Cursed Witch |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|12:07 am] |
[Don, your birthday post preceeds this one, if you're looking for it]
Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Where would you stay if she promised to you heaven?
Would you ever win?
She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless
Once in a million years
A lady like her rises
"Oh no, Rhiannon" you cry, well she's gone
And your life knows no answers
Rhiannon...Rhiannon
Rhiannon...Rhiannon
She rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen
A woman taken by the skies
Where would you stay if she promised to you heaven?
Would you even try? Would you even try?
Rhiannon...Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Taken by, taken by the sky...
Taken by, taken by the sky...
Dreams unwind
Love is a state of mind
You know that your dreams unwind
True love's a state of mind
You know that your dreams unwind and love's still hard to find
I know...
Dreams unwind and true love's a state of mind
I know...
We're all the same
All the same, all the same Rhiannon
Take me like the sky
Dream on
Oh no, you can't leave her
Well dream on, silly dreamer
And you still cry out for her
"Don't leave me
Don't leave me tonight..." |
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| The Light Of Day |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|10:46 am] |
And still, I can't seem to find, the quiet inside my mind. I keep thinking about the tournament that will be taking place tomorrow, but most of all if it's going to be a repeat of Riverside in terms of the Teodoro incident. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry--I'll live.
( Quiet Inside My Mind )
First and foremost, today IS Don's birthday, and for shame if you've forgotten! I have a thing for guessing age, so I'm going to guess nineteen for Don. I'm hoping he'll make a post on LJ, since Don is one of those people who posts very rarely, like Sam--I'm lucky if there's a post by him once every two weeks. Anyways, I wish him the best of luck, and you can hop to his journal from my info page if you want to send him birthday wishes.
I had an...intuitive...conversation with Marco after reading his posted entry that was completely backwards, in a totally literal sense as well. I basically told him he needed to grow up. That was brought on by some things he said. It's difficult when you know you're putting yourself out and you keep getting rejected. I'm not sure anyone else can understand what that feeling is like, but I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world. Look at that last sentence, and tell me why that's so contradictory.
Marco is quickly becoming another Juan--so caught up in something he wants he knows he can't have that he's missing what's in front of him. But sometimes that's life--this is Walgreens.
I showed the "World On Fire" video yesterday at the debate meeting [which Teo, surprisingly, attended]. Teo had to find something so wrong in something so beautiful. The "World On Fire" video shows what can be done with $150,000 to make 1,000,000 people's lives better.
Teo asked after the video was shown if it was "open for discussion" and I went ahead and allowed some discussion. He said it was really great that they did that, but that the US Government gives away millions of dollars to third-world governments. He asked me if that was right and I said "Well, this is your discussion right now, I'll let you finish". He restated what he'd already said and then asked me what I think the government should do MORE since we're "already doing enough".
I told him that the US government did give money to third-world countries, but that doesn't always mean the third-world countries give them to the people. He kept interrupting me until I said "Look, I didn't interrupt you, I allowed you to speak, please let me do the same". I went on to say that the purpose of the video being shown was not to try to bring a solution to the problem [in the video, it even said "Don't worry, we are not asking for money"], but to reflect on our own lives, to see the power of a dollar, and to realise what I'd said in another post: That we can live without certain things in this world, things we think we need, but things that we really don't need while people in other countries need certain things they don't have.
He took one look at me and left the room.
I hate people like that. They drive me crazy. What's worse is that, some people look up to them. I had thought about posting something really, really mean about people like him but decided against it since it would be too vague a statement and would probably hurt a lot of people I'm close to. But I still hold it true in heart and spirit, and I'll probably tell one or two people what it is.
The Boston Red Sox won the World Series last night. It's always fun to root for the underdog in any kind of competition. I think they said it was the first time since 1918 that they had won a World Series game. Imagine that, 84 years since they've won a World Series game.
Teo came on the announcements today and said "Win eighty-four more World Series, then we can talk". What an asshole.
And The Revolution Goes On |
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| Straying From The Lines |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|05:02 pm] |
They'd love to tell me to stay inside the lines, but I know that something is better on the other side. Sometimes, I just want to break the line between what's socially acceptable and me, and I know that's hard for people to understand. Hell, the first sentence of this journal some people won't get.
( No More Lines For Me )
I don't, personally, understand seniors who take courtesies when there are TONS of classes that can be taken, and you're at the point where you really don't have to worry about credits or anything. Plus, you get to be with your friends instead of being BORED for ninety minutes straight. I'm taking as many classes as I can get my hands on.
We had pre-registration today, and, yes, I signed up for Psychology. Parially because there werne't any other classes that tickled my fancy. Partially because I wanted to hear what Mrs. Jones has to say in psychology about us homosexuals. See, I'm sure if there was one she knew about in her class, she wouldn't say as much stuff as she does now. But that's just my take on it.
I was talking to one of my friends on the AIM deal, and I started talking with them about how there are some people out there who are my friend, and then there are those who act like it but secretly just tolerate me. I know the difference between those who are my friend and those who tolerate me. I'm not stupid, like most people think, and I do steer clear of those who just tolerate me. It's not something I'm willing to be around--I'm not here to be tolerated, I'm not so desparate for friends that I'm willing to be tolerated--not anymore. I'm not an idiot.
I started thinking about all of the people around the world who don't have very much. I mean, I started watching "World On Fire" again, and I realised that I'm really somewhat selfish some of the time. I think I need a new car like my friends have, and then I realised that I don't need a car, but people around the world need shelter. I think I need a new phone or the latest CD or video, but then I realised that I don't need a new phone or crap like that, but people around the world need food. There are people who don't worry about cars or CDs or concert tickets because they're worried about whether or not they're going to eat dinner that night or even live at the end of the week.
That hurts my spirit. I'm one of those people where, if I see someone who needs help, I try to help them. When Don had his crisis with Michael, I tried to be there as much as I could for him. Don was a great guy, and in my opinion, didn't deserve to be treated the way he was being treated. Now, granted, Michael and Don are both my friends and I love them dearly, but I cannot sit around and do nothing when I see someone hurting.
This is for two reasons. One, I know what it feels like to be in a dark hour and just wish that someone would reach out and help you. And I'm one of those peopel who would take anyone helping them out, but in the back of our minds we secretly have one or two people who, if they just reached out, would mean the world. When our graduates were leaving us and I left the pre-grad ceremony at Chapin, I can remember feeling so crappy. I walked into the drama room and just broke down. There were people around me, but nobody cared.
Jackie walked in. The first time I'd met Jackie and I was sitting there crying my eyes out because I was losing something so dear to me--I was losing all of those people we looked up to. And she reached out, and it did mean the world to me. To know that someone I'd only known as a screen name on the Internet could suddenly show up in person and try to bring your spirit back to healthy was so cathartic, was so impressionistic and was so...I guess, it's one of those rare moments where, I'm lost for words. It was one of the greatest feelings in the world. It was love in one of those non-romantic ways, in one of those platonic ways. Love is a strong word, but it was a strong feeling and bond, and to this day I always hold Jackie in high regards.
And as for those who didn't try to help--well, I can only say I would always be there for them.
And I feel for those I see who are hungry in the world, while I'm sitting here with a computer [albeit slow and crappy with a turtle-speed online connection] typing in some fucking online journal that's free. Meanwhile, people are starving out there in what we dismiss as "third-world countries". We have these reality shows where if you are really a construction worker from some hick town in Idaho, you can fool twenty women into thinking you're some joe-blow millionaire and then win a million bucks and a KFC commercial contract. Meanwhile, there are people wondering what bridge they're gonna sleep under at night. We've got people naming casinos and towers after themselves while running off with their tramp, 20-year-old model girlfriends of seven years, while we've got people sitting in the cold with bugs running rampant.
We've got a president and a presidential candidate who sleep comfortably in warm beds with plenty of covers and full stomachs. We've also got people who never know if they will wake up the next day after sleeping under the editorial page of their honetown newspaper.
And what really upsets me, above it all? There are people I know personally who shrug this off and say "Well, what are you going to do?" or "It's not my problem--they live in another country" or "If they want something, they'll work for it". These people may think we live in another country, but they forget that we all share the same planet.
I've got people constantly asking me what the revolution is. Well, wake up! THIS is the revolution. This is what we've got to change. This is the difference we can make, and if I'm remember for ANYTHING when I die, I want it to be at least one person who can say "Matthew made a difference in my life" and actually mean it.
So far, nobody can honestly say that, and that hurts my spirit more than anything.
And The Revolution Goes On |
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| Don't Ask Me Now |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|08:15 pm] |
You know what drives me crazy? When I can't find the remote control. I mean, TVs aren't made the way they were ten years ago--you want the full features, you need the remote control! And it adds to the laziness, because there's buttons on the TV, but the majority of the features are on the remote control! I've got a remote for everything these days too--there's a remote for the VCR, the TV and now there's a remote for my stereo. There's even a remote at the school for the digital video cameras. It's getting to the point where you don't even need a person to stand behind the camera to press that huge red button to start taping--you just push a button on the remote control and it starts taping!
( My Beautiful Letdown )
So I bought this CD from Best Buy last night. "The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot. It's really good--they're supposed to be some crossover band from San Diego. Danny said I'd like it. He said they're like John Mayer but a little harder.
Today was a boring Sunday, as most are. The band came back this morning, which is good because the chat lines have been very quiet, aside from Marco and Lauren trying to work some stuff out. What, exactly, I still don't know, since everything was pretty much worked out to begin with. I understand that I caught Marco at a bad time, but if he wants there to be a chance, it has to come from him, it can't come from Lauren.
Then I met this guy, Alex, who seems pretty cool, but is the "unspoken" ex-boyfriend of Marco. Apparantly, he goes to UTEP where he knows Don and Shane [though he tells me that Shane doesn't like him very much]. We got to talking for a while, then he told me he knew Marco, and I got so overwhelmed that I had to sign off for a while. The whole me-Marco thing is just too much for me to deal with right now.
Look at that, wouldn't you know it? I found my remote control. Just my luck the batteries would be dead, though.
And The Revolution Goes On |
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| Imperfect To Anyone's Standards |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|03:01 pm] |
As I faithful, as I strong
As I good enough to belong
In your reverie, a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
And all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry
You'll find the answer if you
Let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved
No matter what, and everything will come around
In time
I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Until I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this
Don't worry
You'll find the answer if you
Let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved
No matter what, and everything will come around
In time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you
But I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright
Alone
You'll find yourself
With open arms
You'll find yourself
You'll find yourself
In time
The riot in my heart decides
To keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
Because I can't compete, I can't deny
There's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you?
Don't worry
You'll find the answer if you
Let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved
No matter what, and everything will come around
In time |
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| Another Happy Ending |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|12:09 am] |
I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me. I thought I had it again. First Michael rejected me. Then Jake and I ended it. Then Juan told me he loved someone else. Did anyone expect Marco to be any different? If you thought it'd be the same, why didn't you warn me? Why wasn't there a sign? Just when the world seems right, it somehow falls down.
( Go Figure It'd Happen Again )
I think the whole lyric-in-journal thing is becoming a norm to this journal, like the songquotes were in the other two.
I feel like crying myself to sleep once again. It seems that love will never find me. Friends are hard to come by. Acceptance is near impossible to reach. Integration is almost never found. It's hard to explain.
I think for nearly the first time in the history of writing in these journals, I might actually be at a loss for words.
Some say Marco might not realise what he's lost. I don't think I've come to terms with it either.
Lindsay, you saw it coming. You spoke up. Why didn't I listen?
And The Revolution Goes On |
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